How to gracefully decline a swinger offer

(Cross-posted from www.Alreadybooked.com – a great place to meet other lifestyle travelers on Couples Cruises. After honing your swinger elevator pitch and practicing accepting and declining swinger offers, book your cabin here to join us on Independence of the Seas November 15 – 22!)

So you and your partner have your elevator pitch worked out and you are ready to cruise for new friends on the high seas. Bon voyage!

Hold it, seamen, turn this boat around — we’re not ready! What do we do if we’re not interested in a couple who gives us their pitch?

Great question. Gold star. (Literally, a couple asked us this after reading our last blog entry. I mailed them a gold star.)

First of all, let me back up and say that not every elevator pitch needs to have an offer at the end. Feel free to use your elevator pitch to meet couples that you are not interested in playing with — just leave off the pitch at the end or modify it to fit the scenario.

And for god’s sake, check in with your partner explicitly before pitching new friends with a sexual offer. Guys, I’m talking to you!  A quick wink and a smile between you and your lover can easily communicate it. It’s a non-verbal way to say to your partner:

“Check out those two.”

“Ooh, hot stuff.”

“Should we invite them to our naked party?”

“Yeah, definitely. Let’s go!”

(More on this secret lovers’ code in a forthcoming blog entry.)

We’ve always found everyone on a lifestyle cruise to be so friendly and we’d rather be friendly than cold back. Literally, it’s a sea of smiling faces at the pool by day and a mass of friendly bodies on the Promenade at night.

So how do you gracefully decline a swinger offer?

First, recognize that most humans sexually gravitate to other humans who are generally as attractive and in the same age range as they are. 10s talk to 10s, 5s talk to 5s, etc. It has something to do with biology, evolution, psychology, and other sciencey stuff.

Second, due to the first point there are fewer awkward conversations than you might expect. But it also highlights the great amount of courage exhibited when the couple equivalent of the nerd asks the couple equivalent of the prom queen “to dance.”

So Step 1:

–Acknowledge the offer gratefully. Take it in the spirit it was intended and show flattery.

“Oh, wow. Thank you so much for asking. We’re really honored to be invited to your g*ng b*ng!”

Kudos for courage! Huzzah for spunk! 3 cheers for cojones!

And Step 2:

–Decline as politely and clearly as possible. Use a believable reason and keep it simple; this is not a car sale negotiation. And smile.

Possible responses:

A: “However, as we said we’re not full swap –”

B: “Great, you can be the fluffers!”

A: “Well, we really need to spend some time together tonight. I owe her a *big* one.”

B: “Great, you can come to tomorrow night’s g*ng b*ng!”

A: “You know, we’re not really the g*ng b*ng type.”

B: “Great, why don’t the four of us go warm up in our room then!”

A: “Thanks, but we’re not interested.” (SMILE)

B: “Great, well have a good night.”

A: “You too. Enjoy the orgy!” (SMILE)

Clearly, it’s better to just skip to the “we’re not interested” part. No need to tell them that they are not in your age range, not attractive, or they otherwise don’t meet your standards. Who knows — you may still want to be friends. And trust us, interest level definitely changes over time based on personality and friendship. The couple you turned down on Day 1 may look mighty fine on Day 7, so don’t burn any boob bridges.

Or Step 3:

–Counter with something you are comfortable with. Maybe you like them, but it’s bad timing. Or your partner isn’t present and you’re not sure how he/she would respond. Whatever the reason, this leaves your options open for a counter offer.

Possible responses:

A: “You know a g*ng b*ng sounds great. Not sure what our plans are though. Let me check with Wetanika and get back to you. How can I find you later?”

B: “Here’s my card. Just ring our room if you’re interested.”

A: “You know, we were planning to spend the night alone. How about a *friendly* drink right now though?”

B: “Sure, that sounds great.”

A: “Funny you should ask, we’ve got a full dance card tonight. How about we meet you for lunch tomorrow by the pool?”

B: “Sure, we’ll see you then!”

Step 4

–Use humor to smooth it over, if necessary. This requires quick thinking, some Emotional Intelligence, and quite a bit of practice. We meet and greet hundreds of couples on a cruise in various settings and even with a theater background I flub this sometimes.

Possible closing zingers:

A: “Sorry, we have to volunteer at the soup kitchen tonight.”

A: “My doctor said no more g*ng b*ngs — they’re bad for my penis.”

A: “We’re actually celibate. We thought this was a SINGERS cruise!”

All of these should, of course, be coupled with an actual serious decline, either before or after. But it’s definitely true that a little sugar makes the rejection easier to…ahem…swallow.

So remember, if you want to gracefully reject an offer just remember this handy acronym: ADoCU. (Rhymes with Sudoku)

A – Acknowledge the offer.

D – Decline clearly.

o – or

C – Counter offer.

U – Use humor if you dare.

With these simple tips, you’ll be navigating the tricky waters of a lifestyle cruise with ease. Full steam ahead, captain!

COMING SOON: Using your secret lovers’ code

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